I'd like to preface this rant by mentioning that I am not perfect. Perhaps some people haven't realized this. I am not the best at anything, and life is tough. I am not perfect and I do not wish to be treated as though I should be perfect.
I received a 'C' in Chemistry in the third nine-weeks. I'm not good at science, to be perfectly honest I am quite terrible at science. I managed an 89.6, which is an 'A', the first nine-weeks, sheer luck. Then some form of a 'B' the second. Then my 'C'.
This was my first 'C' in highschool. I was upset, not terribly surprised, but nevertheless upset. I loathe, hate, and despise my Chemistry class. It isn't that I don't try, because I do, but trying doesn't seem to help at all.
All of my parents, (including step-parents) told me to be sure to work hard to bring that 'C' up to a 'B'. Well I'm trying! It was hard enough receiving the 'C', then being slightly reprimanded, and now constantly having sets of eyes watching my progress, and chastizing any grade below what is expected of me. May I point out that a 'C' is deemed average. There should not be any shame in receiving a 'C' leastways in a class that my parents know that I struggle in.
Now, it isn't really the 'C' that is bothering me anymore. I'm over that, i've moved on. The point that is driving up my frustration level is the constant question "Do you really want to remain at a minimum wage job for the rest of your life?" This question is obviously rhetorical. They know the answer. My parents have begun to assume that my job is interfering with my ability to do well in school. I love working, its the only thing keeping me from going insane while in school.
So, back to the question "Do you really want to remain at a minimum wage job for the rest of your life?" at this point in the conversation tears are brimming, and I'm biting my bottom lip to keep it from quivering. At this point in the conversation I have been accused of:
- Not doing well enough in high school
- Not being good enough to get into college
- Not meeting the expectations of my parents
I want to yell, but I hold back because I don't think I could yell without my voice shaking inaudibly and tears flowing down my bright red cheeks.
Why am I not good enough! Why does my minor slip in grades in my worst subject lead to assumptions that I won't get into college. Why are my parents, the people that are supposed to help me and support me more than anyone else that I know, why are they the ones bringing me down and telling me that I'm not good enough! I run to my friends, who all reassure me that i'll be fine, shouldn't I be able to run to my parents for the same thing.
I never renewed my drivers permit. It has expired. Proceed with caution if you plan on lecturing me about my permit. Also, any questions about SAT scores will be welcomed, until you hear my scores and begin to reprimand me for not studying enough.
Before anyone asks, No I don't know where I would like to go to college, and No I don't want to decrease the hours I work, No I haven't lost any weight, in fact i've probably gained weight, and No I haven't cleaned my room yet.
8 comments:
thanks for sharing laurel. don't know if it's any consolation- but i kinda feel like i was reading an entry in my journal 10 years ago.
<---u.s. history AND calculus. (actually ended up with Cs in calc on a pretty regular basis)
but,
<--- graduated magna cum laude in college
<--- phi beta kappa
<---plus, the first grandkid to get an advanced degree.
my folks rode me hard for each C too. they realized that i already felt worse than they did and instead of motivating me to do better, they were reinforcing my fears that my worth as a person was tied up in if i could do differentiations. it wasn't the fear that inspired. it was discovering what i really loved and then working hard at all the steps in between to get where i wanted to be.
hang in there. you're beautiful and beloved.
*hug* <-- there's some, i found it
I love how after preemptively stating all your apparent shortcomings, you also mention (almost jokingly) that you haven't cleaned your room yet. Isn't this the case for all of us? At least this shows you can still laugh at things.
Things will get better, if only in a month once school is out and final report cards are in the past. They might not get easier, but they'll be tolerable.
*cousinly hugs and kisses*
:)
Hey- This is Tim's gf Emily. I was cruising the interwebs and came across your journal and can't help but relate some.
My parents rode me in a similar way when my grades started slipping up and were convinced that I'd fall through the very wide cracks of my home county and end up pregnant and drug addicted in no time. I ultimately picked myself up but it was because I wanted to.
In high school I ended up with some pretty low grades when my health took a pretty nasty turn, but it was then that I learned as long as your other grades are pretty solid, a couple of C's or heaven forbid, D's won't kill you.
The whole "getting into college is so hard" thing is a myth. I know a guy from my high school who was held back a grade AND arrested multiple times on drug charges and he's at UNC-Greensboro right now, which isn't a half bad school. And when (not if, when) you go to college, you'll find that there are some people that will really make you wonder just how they slipped past the admissions process.
In conclusion: If the first time you've ever gotten a C is in high school, you'll be fine.
Love,
Emily
okay that's stupid. i've gotten so many C's since i've started highschool and if you're not going to get into college because of it, then i'm not going to be able to get into college because of it and then we can hang out together at our minimum wage jobs (but i'm sure we'll have a raise by then)
everyone gets C's. That's AVERAGE!
and besides, you're little miss perfect. if you get C's, then that's the perfect way to be!
C's aren't the end of the world, but of course B's or A's are better. Parents want what is best for their kids. Perhaps their choice of motivational words isn't perfect...
About the room cleaning, I think it is a gene-pool thing.
Best of luck in the final grading period and have fun at work and school!
Love and hugs, Aunt Bev
Laurel,
I worked at Wendy's from the age of 16 on through my freshman year of college. I also worked a minimum of 20 hours per week throughout college and full time (40 hours or more) during summers and holidays. Although I wasn't at the top of my class, I think I did alright in life.
Don't be so hard on yourself!
Jana
wow, I had no idea that you were feeling so abused. I can't remember if I ever got a 'C' in high school. I might have in biology one 9 weeks. I didn't particularly like high school and was ready to leave for college when my sister left. College was really great and I felt like my life started then.
I don't expect you to be perfect and I am sure that you realize that I am not, but I do want what is best for you and love you very much.
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